Dead Girl's Poem
by Unit 667 Ra
Summary: [Oneshot, manga Shizurucentric] Teach me passion, for I fear it's gone. Show me love, hold the lorn. So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me... I'm sorry. And you... I wish I didn't feel for you anymore... RR


Okay, this is my first shot at a Mai-HiME fic, and it's centered around the manga, something I have YET to see. And if there was one like that, then I can't be bothered to get off my lazy ass to look. Anyways, I've been having these weird dreams lately, mostly about ideas for MH fics and like I said, they're all weird. I was reading Friedrich Nietzsche's "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" while listening to Nightwish on my MP3 and I eventually thought, what the hell, I'll write a fic. Because of what I was doing when I got inspiration (if you can call it that), there might be a reference to "Slaying the Dreamer" somewhere in here. Also, there WILL be spoilers to the manga if you haven't seen it. Lastly, Mai-HiME doesn't belong to me, all I have is Katakoi Enka and one of the Drama Tracks saved into my MP3. Nor do I own the song "Dead Boy's Poem". Ikezu ya wa.

Dead Girl's Poem

* * *

_  
Born from silence, silence full of it  
Perfect concert my best friend  
So much to live for, so much to die for  
If only my heart had a home_

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also some reason in madness."

Who was it that said that? Nietzsche, wasn't it? Perhaps he was right about that after all.

Fujino Shizuru was in love. It wasn't a friendly, innocent affection, nor a deep, burning desire. In a sense, what she felt was both at the same time and neither at once. Ambiguous feelings within a cesspool of madness, if one could call it that. Poetry not written on paper or whispered to the wind in soft spoken words.

Kuga Natsuki, the lone biker girl that stole Shizuru's heart without even trying, or knowing for that matter. Maybe it was better if she didn't know. She wouldn't admit it, but Shizuru was her friend. That was okay, it was easy to mask one's true feelings and make it look like friendship, right?

To be Natsuki's friend... was enough for Shizuru.

* * *

_  
Sing what you can't say  
Forget what you can't play  
Hasten to drown into beautiful eyes  
Walk within my poetry, this dying music  
My love letter to nobody_

To summon her Child, the HiME's Element must come into contact with the Key.

Though she didn't show it (or any of her real feelings, anyway) Shizuru wanted to be Natsuki's Key. To call forth her Child, give her strength, instead of just hiding safely in the background while Natsuki fought long and hard. Shizuru didn't want her to get hurt, so it was understandable that she would want to be her Key, wasn't it? It was all out of concern for her friend's well-being.

Wasn't that enough?

* * *

_  
Never sigh for better world  
It's already composed, played and told  
Every thought the music I write  
Everything a wish for the night_

Shizuru heard that Natsuki had found her Key.

Part of her wanted to deny it, say it was probably just another HiME. But logic told her otherwise.

It was a new guy at the Academy, by the name of Tate Yuuichi. He wasn't exactly the ideal boy that girls would chase after, but nobody's perfect. And he unwittingly became Natsuki's Key...

So what? That's okay, she could still be friends with her. They could still talk after Shizuru had finished instructing tea ceremonies, still go on the occasional long bike rides, still go out for dinner sometimes.

She could still quietly sneak up behind Natsuki and pull the other girl into her arms.

She could still hold her close...

* * *

_  
Wrote for the eclipse, wrote for the virgin  
Died for the beauty the one in the garden  
Created a kingdom, reached for the wisdom  
Failed in becoming a god_

Natsuki liked Yuuichi.

She'd taken to giving him a pet name, her "Lil' Slave". But for some reason, he was also Tokiha Mai's Key, and no good could possibly come from that. Natsuki and Mai were well-known for getting into fights almost daily, and knowing that he was the object of both their affections, they would fight even harder than usual.

Shizuru didn't feel any jealousy towards him. Jealousy seeped through the body like acid, seething with a rancid, terrible aftertaste. She wasn't angry, either.

Okay, maybe she did get sudden urges to burst out in anger, but they passed over quicker than expected.

She felt... she didn't know _what_ to feel.

* * *

_  
Never sigh for better world  
It's already composed, played and told  
Every thought the music I write  
Everything a wish for the night_

Shizuru kept telling herself, "I love her."

But she wouldn't dare say it out loud. She was much too scared. Not of rejection, but of how Natsuki would react.

She knew that Natsuki had a large amount of affection for Yuuichi, but to say those three little words to her... was so frightening. She wasn't sure if Natsuki would just stare at her with impossibly wide eyes and her mouth slightly open from shock. Maybe she would lash out at her, say something along the lines of, "But I like Yuuichi!" But Shizuru was scared that she just wouldn't say anything at all. That she would look away, and silence would loom over them both like a dark shadow. Shizuru was terrified of Natsuki's reaction.

The unspoken poetry began to tell of her fear.

* * *

_  
"If you read this line, remember not the hand that wrote it.  
Remember only the verse, songmaker's cry, the one without tears.  
For I've given this its strength, and it had become my only strength.  
Comforting home, mother's lap, chance for immortality,  
Where being wanted became a thrill I never knew.  
The sweet piano writing down my life."_

She lost her.

Natsuki loved Yuuichi.

Shizuru saw everything. Yuuichi's false outburst of really loving Natsuki, Natsuki retorting that he was just taking pity on her in the hopes that Duran would reawaken and come to his master's aid...

She saw the kiss.

Shizuru loved Natsuki so much, that when the dark-haired girl grabbed Yuuichi by the collar and pressed her lips against his, it felt as though the terrible reality was strangling her ambiguous emotions, killing them even. It hurt even to breathe.

But Natsuki was happy.

That's all that matters.

* * *

_  
"Teach me passion for I fear it's gone.  
Show me love, hold the lorn.  
So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me.  
I'm sorry...  
Time will tell - this bitter farewell.  
I live no more to shame nor me nor you."_

People cope with heartache in their own ways. Shizuru didn't let hers show. Even now, as she stood beside a raging Suzushiro Haruka wildly ruffling her blonde hair and Kikukawa Yukino trying to calm her down, she left no evidence of the pain her stillachingheart endured. A small smile, calm with an air of sadness so easy to overlook. A fake, mechanical smile.

But that's okay. Just keep smiling.

Smile, and everything would be alright.

Natsuki had gone to watch Yuuichi at kendo practice. Even if it hurt her, Shizuru would stay Natsuki's friend. She had to at least smile, and let everyone know that she was okay with it.

Even so...

Sometimes she wished that she could be stronger. That she could push her fears aside and say the words she felt. It was a nice thought, but it wasn't going to happen.

Friend, Key, lover... it was all a dream. Just some wishes to help her stay close to Natsuki. The desire to be at her side was killing her. She was falling deeper and deeper into the cesspool of madness people call "love". Sooner or later, it would consume her, eat away at her from the inside-out, swallow her completely. This pain was like putting a stake through her heart. Her poetry was already tainted by the insanity spawning in the deepest corners of her soul. She started to hate herself.

A coward, a good-for-nothing scapegoat. A dumb kid clinging desperately for a dream. She raped her own words, played herself a fool. She was slaying her inner dreams.

Whatever life left walking in her heart... will continue to walk alone.

_"And you... _

_I wish I didn't feel for you anymore..."_

A lonely soul... an ocean soul.

* * *

Aw, man. This didn't turn out as good as I hoped it would. Anyways, please be kind with the reviews, okay? Thanks for taking the time to read this. 


End file.
